The intent to rehash the blog came to me many hours ago, way before the cleaning and reflecting, cat nursing, cooking, and wine drinking that became my full evening, and naturally, it's a holiday, our first holiday this year, midweek, and I do need to be to work tomorrow, so I will try and be brief and not quite so introductory, while trying to be (and yes, if there happens to be a person who was reading me three, even four years ago, thank you for coming back!!!).
It donned on me today that I used to write for people. I used to have a voice. I mean, yeah I still do, but it's generally not even its good old fashioned medium, and definitely the one it was always best suited for, as I am an awkward person often times, and this gives me a chance to step outside the blast radius of my own personality, if you will. It also donned on me, with it being the first of the year, that 2018 is officially over, and I can put down the white flag and come out of my foxhole about it.
Put mildly, the past year was a beautiful but hungry and very cranky bear.
First, the beautiful. Early this year, I was most blessed and fortunate to be back in touch with an old kindred of mine who I have shared many a concert, many an adult beverage, and many a solemn conversation about love and life. In the fifteen years I have known him, we had been parted the most recent eight, for various assorted reasons, all bearing little consequence or reason for what it's worth in the here and now. What began as a young man asking an underage girl what her favorite cocktail was, and a deadpan look after a good answer given to "What's in your CD player?" back in 2004 culminated with that same older man getting in a newly acquired roadster from Omaha, heading out highway 12 mid-March, to rekindle a friendship that I had plenty of time to miss, living 100 miles from the home I was used to, trying to earn some perspective, working a job that tried me in ways I am still perplexed and reverent about all at once, and rekindle we did. We rekindled that business so good, we didn't come out of it single, and I came back to Saint Paul in May, on a transfer with the work I was doing at the time. We keep a humble little flat together with out two cats, Trixie Rue and Fritz, and our betta fish, a Mr. Leeroy Jenkins.
Second, the hungry. I had it in me a passion to bring humanity into the very challenging work of inpatient acute psychiatric care. That's what I did for a living for a time. I tried my best to do right by any and all people I served while I had the role, but I couldn't seem to shake the shade and static, an unsure sense in myself, my skills, my work, and my purpose due to politics, policy change, even popular opinion, depending on what day it was. The unsure sense became genuine and legitimate fear, and the fear led to panic, the panic led to depression, and both combined led to the ultimate need to resign a position I had worked so hard for so many years to attain. It was a big gut shot. I took some time to regroup, because I had realized that I'd been walking that line for so long, both studying psychology and working way too many hours while not practicing ANY of the self-care that I street preached endlessly, that man...
I felt like I didn't know who I was.
It would continue for quite some time, thus leading to our finale, the very cranky.
2018 saw a lot of anguish, physically and mentally. I started out my year under a lot of stress, having done solid favors for people I really shouldn't have, struggling financially despite working three jobs. My mental health was in the toilet. I was keeping myself from suicide while my supervisors had the audacity to assume I was abusing my sick time. (Yup. That really happened.) The shortsightedness and overall stupidity I finally allowed myself to see as such was a bitter pill to swallow. On the one hand I felt freed when I made the decision to make a career change, but on the other I felt I had lost way too much and didn't know where to go from there. What I didn't know was I had so much more to lose. A brief stint on psych meds set me back immensely on all of the progress I had made losing weight and trying to exercise, with the medications ultimately being unable to work for me. I took a part time job doing home care work, thinking it would allow for time to practice better self care, but soon that became a job that had no professional boundaries or set schedules for me to rely on for bearings, too. Just when I thought the year couldn't get any more chaotic, I had two car accidents within a month of each other, the last destroying my prized 2011 Prius named Charlie, the namesake being I bought it on Charlie Chaplin's 125th birthday.
Pretty much right there, I went from disillusioned to practically despondent.
Something weird happened though. It was like all of the insanity the year brought reminded me that I'm best when my sense of humor is heading toward the acidic side, and my humility is on my sleeve, and I'm full of coffee and cuss words, because I felt like I was put into my real place. With what was left of the insurance settlement on my car, I decided to buy an ancient hatchback that I found on Craigslist for a song, because at the time, it was one of very few things that made me smile. I named her Clara Bow, sticking with the theme of silent film actors, and took her about town to get the necessary repairs. I found a job that I am still learning but love entirely thus far, spent the holidays with my family, and on the 26th, just recently, I officially became older than Jesus, as I came to joke, having survived a year that definitely wasn't as bad as His, but came pretty close. No offense meant, of course.
So what of all of this then? It's 2019 now, and I have a list of things I hope to accomplish. I am trying new routines that involve reading and writing more, doing a lot more cooking and baking, trying new stuff on for size, getting back into the swing of tackling some health goals, and practicing a magnanimous nature towards myself, and yeah, I'm going to write about it as I go, here, and I'll try and do it often enough, so, happy new year, anybody reading. You can follow along if you like.
